A 10 Step Guide To Pretend You Like Your Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift
We’ve all been there. You’ve been waiting anxiously to see what your boyfriend got you for the holidays, and it’s finally time to open his gift. You sit there dreaming of the Alexander McQueen scarf you’ve been hinting at, but you’re concerned at the tiny box he’s presented to you. “Maybe he just folded the scarf up a zillion times to surprise me”, you think to yourself. As you tear off the wrapping paper and lift the lid to the box, you realize it’s not a scarf at all. In fact, it’s a silver charm bracelet with a pickle on it. You look at your boyfriend quizzically.
“I thought of you when I saw it, because of how you always eat the pickles off my plate when we go to get In-N-Out,” he says, smiling proudly.
You have two options. Your instinct says to smack him upside the head and ask him WTF he was thinking, but your more rational side says, “pretend you love it, after all, he tried.” The only problem is, you’re not exactly great at pretending to like anything, specifically tacky department store bracelets with phallus shaped objects hanging off of them…
Step 1. Hug Him
While you put your face over his shoulder in a big bear hug, you’ll have time to rearrange your expression to mask the disappointment. If you can’t get it together by the time the hug is over, start kissing him. His eyes will be closed (hopefully), so you can bide more time.
Step 2. Don’t Forget To Smile
I don’t care if you’re one of those resigned resting bitch face people, try your hardest to smile the whole way through. There’s a good chance that at one sign of him saying “is something wrong?” you might burst into hysterics about how upset you are that he bought you a cookware set instead of the Prada purse you’ve been hinting at.
Step 3. Put It On (Even If You Hate It)
Whether it’s an absolutely fugly Christmas sweater or some despicably tacky lingerie, put that shit on like it’s a Hervé Léger bandage dress. If he bought you a gift that you liked, you would try it on, so you have to do the same for the gift that you don’t like. Throw that shit on and work it like it’s haute couture, making sure to add in comments about how much you love it. If he didn’t buy you something wearable, still make an effort to take it out of the package and “try it” somehow.
Step 4. Don’t Cry
Even if the tacky lingerie makes you look like an extra from VH1s Rock of Love or the Christmas Sweater makes you look like you gained ten pounds over the holidays, keep the waterworks on the down-low.
Step 5. Focus On The Card
Pray to the gods above that your boo got you a card and that it can save his shitty gift attempt. If you hate the gift, start talking about how sweet and thoughtful the card is. Not only will it buy you time from talking about his horrific gift, it’ll focus on what’s important rather than material things.
Step 6. Don’t Cry
Step 7. Fuck Him
If you’re a really shitty actress and don’t think you’re going to be able to pull off pretending that you’re a fan of the Star Wars dildo that he bought you, just start passionately kissing him and grab his dick. He’ll probably think that you love the gift so much that you can’t express your gratitude in any other way besides making love to him.
Step 8. Remember What’s Important
Okay, so maybe he didn’t know the exact size and color of the sweater that you wanted, maybe he bought the wrong brand of makeup for you. Boys aren’t usually the savviest shoppers, and they’re also not the best at what knowing at women want. But, instead of getting all upset over a little Christmas gift that you’re not in love with, why don’t you focus on the fact that you’ve (hopefully) got a great guy who tried his best to make you happy.
Step 9. Do Better Next Time
If you’re the type that get’s really worked up over bad gifts, just tell your dude exactly what you want. It’ll save him the trouble and he certainly won’t mind your bluntness. Valentine’s Day is practically around the corner, and if you don’t want to have another basic-bitch-breakdown, start hinting gift ideas early.
Step 10: Take Inspiration From This Little Guy
Photo courtesy of Huffington Post