8 Things I Learned From Being Sober At Formal
Sorority (and Fraternity) formals are well known for being shit-shows. After all, how else would you alleviate the awkwardness between you and your date who you met at the campus bar last Thursday? After a certain formal where I blacked out before we got to the venue, I decided to take one for the team and go as a “sober sister” for the following formal (along with my best girlfriends, of course, because who wants to be sober alone). This is what I found…
1. The Boys Are The Ones Who Can’t Control Their Liquor
Although we all think of drunk girls carrying their heels and crying in the bathroom, I found that it was actually the dudes who had the most problems. Not 20 minutes had passed before we had to go find out which chick brought the guy who had torn up the bathroom and was now puking in the kitchen. Sure, there were certainly some girls on the dance floor who looked ridiculous and were practically falling-out of their dresses, but the boys were the one’s who were getting us in trouble and fighting each other.
2. Grinding Needs To Be Stopped Immediately
We all know deep down that the American attempt at “dancing” in our generation is beyond pathetic, yet we probably still engage in it. Try being sober and watching 100 drunk kids grinding, it might change your mind. Maybe when you’re tipsy and frisky it feels nice to back up on your date’s junk, but you look f****ing ridiculous.
3. And So Does PDA
Speaking of ridiculous, the only thing that makes you look more ratchet than grinding is turning back every four seconds to make out sloppily with your date. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been here plenty of times before…. I just never realized how gross it looked until now. I’m not saying you can’t kiss in public, but shoving your tequila covered tongue down an equally belligerent dude’s throat ain’t cute either.
4. Watching a Thirsty Dude Is Like Watching Shark Week
I swear to God, my little freshman friend was actually scared of this one guy, and I couldn’t blame her. I’m not sure where his date went (probably ran as far away as possible), but he was literally circling around the dance floor searching for his next prey intently as f***. When girls said they didn’t want to dance with him, he wouldn’t take no for an answer, even telling me he was going to kill himself if I didn’t dance with him… normal? Hey Animal Planet, if you’re reading this, I recommend a special feature on Fraternity creeps for next Shark Week!
5. You CAN Still Have Fun Sober
Maybe this isn’t a shock to everyone, but it was to me. I surprisingly had one of the best times I’ve had at a formal. This may have also been due to the fact that I didn’t bring a date, but I had a blast dancing with my girls – without vodka causing me to fall over or take one too many snapchat stories (not to mention I got to dance with the guys whose dates passed out early).
6. If You’re Going To Get Plastered, Try a Tailor
I’m pretty sure I saw this one chick’s nipple at least three times throughout the night due to her drunken flailing and the fact that her dress was a bit too big on her ta-tas. Unless you take the noble position of a sober at formal as I did, you’re probably going to get hammered and at risk of a wardrobe malfunction. If you’re wearing a short dress, don’t forget panties. If you can’t wear a bra, at least get pasties and find a dress that fits you up top!
7. Don’t Leave Your Shit Unattended
I’m not saying that someone is going to steal your shit, but there will also be plenty of drunk people who won’t be able to tell your belongings from theirs. The amount of people I saw drunkenly stumbling around the venue searching for a jacket or shoes was comical. First off, don’t wear shoes that you’re going to have to take off before the night is over, that’s just not a good look. Second off, try to keep your things with you at all times or put them somewhere partially hidden (as long as you remember where you hid them after 6 tequila sunrises).
8. Every Time You Think You Look Cute Drunk, You’re Wrong
You know that moment when you stumble into the bathroom drunk and you look in the mirror like ‘wtf?! I looked good when I left the house tonight and now I look like a hot mess?’ Yeah, that’s kind of how everybody looks when they drink too much. Being sober and seeing girls and guys dressed up and completely trashed is almost a life-changing experience because you realize how you look at times you’re drunk beyond comprehension. Bottom line, although I’ll still probably be drinking every night of the week (I mean, it is college), being sober at formal made me realize that black-out isn’t a good look on anyone.