7 Ways Public Transport Is Like An Unwanted Sexual Experience
There are plenty of glamorous aspects of living in a city. Unfortunately, public transport is not one of them. Whoever thought that they could “improve” your 40-minute work commute by pressing you up against a sweaty fat guy who may or may not be reading erotic fiction on his Ipad, was seriously deranged.
Sometimes, traveling on public transportation feels like you’ve been on a really bad date and are trying to avoid a good night kiss…or worse.
1. You Wonder How You Got Yourself Into This Situation
An hour ago you were cozy in your bed, and now your face is directly breathing in air from some tall dude’s armpit. This sensation reminds you of that time you had five tequila-sunrises and woke up at a dude’s place who could have been Danny Devito’s dopple-ganger.
2. You Pretend To Be Anywhere But Here
On those days where the subway is especially horrendous, you can pretend that you’re somewhere else. Perhaps on a beach in the middle of the Aegean Sea? Maybe in a hot, clean, shower? Anything would be better than this.
3. Everything Feels Sweaty and Uncomfortable
Other people’s various body parts are touching yours. You weren’t previously aware of the fact that your ears could sweat. This must be what that girl in the gang-bang porn0 felt like after five hours…or maybe this is just Hell.
4. You’re Immediately Regretting Your Choice Of Clothing
Your new military jacket paired with a bandeau seemed like a great idea this morning, in the comfort of your own air-conditioned home. Now that you’re dying of heat, you’re weighing the options of either drowning in a pool of your own sweat or becoming the object of every single guy on the train’s affection. This reminds you vaguely of the time that you caught your middle school gym teacher staring down your shirt and it’s far from pleasant.
5. Everybody Wants Everybody Else
Naturally, the dark haired dude in the soccer uniform has no clue that he’s sitting next to you. However, the fat dude with a half-chub and a Star Wars t-shirt is eyeing you up and down as if you’re wearing a full Princess Leia costume. For once, you’re happy that a pregnant lady got on the train because you can offer your seat to her and run to the next car before the creep decides to make a move.
6. You Contemplate A Drastic Escape Route
You could re-download Uber and shell out extra cash to avoid the bus tonight… Maybe even walk the last five blocks in your stilettos? It wouldn’t be worse than the time you made your friend call you crying so that you could leave your date early…or when you snuck out the bathroom window of your booty call’s house.
7. You Keep Checking the Clock
Google Maps said 10 stops…how has it only been three so far? Better double check to make sure. This can’t possibly be worse than the time you ended up sleeping with a dude that kept calling you “mami.” Just close your eyes and count sheep until he busts a nut (or you make it to your stop).