7 Things Straight Guys Say To Gay Girls

Straight men say some dumb shit, mostly at bars, that really reveals how little they understand about sexuality. No, not every woman is at your disposal, isn’t that news? Here’s 7 things that straight guys have said to me, based on nothing but truth. Of course, my straight male brethren, I know you aren’t all this stupid– I’ve got an arsenal of lezbros who could teach even me a thing or two about honoring women. But for the most part, a good man is hard to find.

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1. “But you’re so pretty.”
Damn right I am. Too pretty for you. And thanks for insulting my people. Newsflash: there are pretty people and ugly people of all sexual orientations. Lesbians aren’t just ugly women who couldn’t “get a man” so they switched to women. Besides, that wouldn’t work. Women are just as judgemental–if not more so–about women’s looks.

2. “So, like, how do you have sex?”
How do YOU have sex? I’m guessing strictly missionary and for about five minutes at a time? One thing I’ll never understand: if men ostensibly spend so much time thinking about lesbian sex, why can’t they figure it out? They clearly have no imagination, and are terrible in bed. Honey, if you haven’t figured out that sex is way more than strictly penis-in-vagina, well, I guess that’s why you have to think about lesbians all the time since you’re obviously not getting any.

3. “All the women I’ve slept with haven’t liked getting eaten out.”
All three of them? Really?

4. “So, who’s the man and who’s the woman?”
No one is the man. That’s the point.

5. “But, like, you’re the man, right?”
Yes, I am the man. And don’t you forget it.

6. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman, a lesbian, whatever, they want to kill you because you’re a Jew!”
This one is a cautionary tale in drinking Scotch with your orthodox landlord, even though he’s pretty chill and he’s buying. Once you start shouting at each other about which of your minority identities is more likely to get you killed, it’s time to go. Though I still think there are more people who’d kill me for being a lesbian than for being a Jew.

7. “Maybe your time at girls’ summer camp gave you access to girls in a way you never had with boys.”
This was said to me by my Dad shortly after I came out to him as a plea for me to keep an open mind about boys. I’ve always wondered what all male activity he was imagining could balance out the nine summers I spent surrounded by sun-kissed girls in bikinis as a kid. What does he want me to do, go to a men’s prison and get gang banged?

Judith Dry is a comedian and singer with a dirty rapper alter ego named Ladyfingaz. She is Playing tonight at cafe Mae Mae 68 Vandam street 7-9.

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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