7 Things Straight Girls Say To Gay Girls
Straight girls say some dumb crap, usually in loud and obnoxious voices. We’ve all heard the girl outside the restaurant screaming at her boyfriend that “she just gave our table away!” or the girl who whines “how much further?” when you’ve been walking literally half a block. Straight girls also say literally, like, a lot. But when it comes to alternative sexualities, straight girls have spit some pretty choice gems my way that reveal just how ignorant they really are. What else do I expect from people who say “LOL” out loud? Of course, my badass radical D-loving ladies do exist. You know who you are, and I love you.
1. “I could never be a lesbian. I just love D so much. Big, hard, warm D.”
And she went on. Quite possibly the most offensively honest rejection I’ve ever received. Maybe I had it coming and it serves me right for hitting on a straight girl, but she managed to painfully render invisible my carefully constructed masculinity while summoning all the ghosts of women past, present and future who will never sleep with me in one (very long-winded) fell swoop.
2. “What if I’m just gay? Can’t I be bi and gay?”
Okay, technically, this was a bi girl. And yet again, I walked myself into this quagmire by bringing home a baby bisexual. What did I expect? I certainly didn’t expect her to halt our tender kisses and ask me, a virtual stranger, to name her sexual identity for her. Was she on the precipice of a breakthrough or a breakdown when I answered, “I don’t know, sure, take your shirt off”? Was I BSing when I said, “You can be whatever you want, now take your shirt off”? Yes, I was. Because I genuinely believe you can be anything you want. Except gay and bisexual. I respect the meaning of words too much to let that one slide. Now for the love of god, take your shirt off.
3. “I’m heteroflexible.”
Now, there may genuinely be “heteroflexible” women out there. If there are, I haven’t met them. Because if they actually liked women, they would identify as “queer” or “bisexual.” For the most part, anyone who says they are “heteroflexible” is just a straight girl who will make out with you but not go down on you. And ain’t nobody got time for that.
4. “That’s my wife!”
Said by two drunk girls who were sandwich-dancing me. Intrepid life adventurer that I am, I took them at their word and delighted at being propositioned for a threesome by an attractive, married, lesbian couple. Until my friend, who had seen them out at the same bar before, set the record straight (girl).
5. *Kisses on lips*
I have certain friends and certain friends’ moms who kiss me on the lips. Maybe it has something to do with my open heart and free spirit (see above). Now, I’m not complaining. But I so wish I could see into the mind of these “straight” girls and women at the moment they go in for the closed-mouth lip kiss. Because I suspect their inner motivation is not entirely platonic.
6. “You have to try it at least once. There’s nothing like the real thing.”
No, I really don’t. And if I ever do, it will bear such little resemblance to anything your straight little mind can comprehend you wouldn’t even be able to see it. Like how the Native Americans couldn’t see the Spanish fleet until it was too late. They were conquered before they knew it.
7. The morning after: “I’ve never done that before.”
I know. I could tell.
Judith Dry is a comedian and singer with a dirty rapper alter ego named Ladyfingaz.