7 Thanksgiving Foods To Fill The Void In Your Love Life
While cuffing season officially starts as soon as the weather starts cooling down, it gets into full swing right around Thanksgiving time. Everybody suddenly wants a Holiday bae, and you are miraculously receiving texts from guys who ghosted you months ago. Being the only sibling to not bring home a significant other to Thanksgiving dinner can make you feel pretty lame. Warming up your cold winter nights with a snuggie and a spiked hot cocoa for one can also make you feel pretty lame. But, hey, you’re really not anymore single than any of us. And we’ve determined that the best way to get over your empty love life is to fill up your empty stomach with Thanksgiving foods.
1. Stuffing > A Winter Cuddle Buddy
It might seem nice to have a warm body in your bed for the cold winter nights. But isn’t that what indoor heating is for? Besides, you don’t really want to have to share the blankets with anyone, especially someone who grinds their teeth and farts in their sleep. Instead of searching for a snuggle buddy, load up on some stuffing. The warm and slightly crunchy texture is all you need to cure your winter blues. Besides, the multiple complex flavors in stuffing will give you way more variety than any fuck boy from Tinder is capable of.
2. Pumpkin Pie > Orgasms
Orgasms are great. Nothing is more satisfying than an earth shattering orgasm ripping through your body after some amazing sex. Unfortunately, not all sex ends in orgasms. In fact, most sex doesn’t end in orgasms for us ladies. Do you know what makes you happy every time you experience it? Pumpkin pie. Whether it’s warm, cold, fresh, or left-over from the night before, it’s always pretty damn satisfying. While sex can be hit or miss, Pumpkin pie hits the spot every time.
3. Turkey Leg > A Buff Boyfriend
There’s nothing like being able to lay in bed naked with a muscular dude, but what a better way to fill the gap (pun intended) then with a big turkey leg? Sure, the turkey leg won’t be able to cuddle with you when you get cold or make you breakfast in bed, but at least you’ll be able to have your hands on something big and muscular for a little while before you scarf it down.
4. Mashed Potatoes > Dinner Dates
Mashed potatoes are comforting, delicious, and always a good time. As much as we’d like to envision dinner dates that way, that’s not always how they always turn out. Not to mention that you have to actually leave your house for a dinner date (aka get out of your holiday sweatpants), whereas you can enjoy mashed potatoes from the comfort of your own home. Who really wants to brave this winter weather just for food anyways? Isn’t that what Grubhub is for?
5. Sweet Potatoes > Romantic Gestures
There’s nothing quite like a true romantic. He buys you flowers, he writes you love letters, and he always knows exactly what to say. Unfortunately, those type of guys only seem to exist in Nicholas Sparks’ novels. However, sweet potatoes exist in real life, and when your Aunt Julia makes them with marshmallows and brown sugar they are the bomb af. Sweet potatoes always know how to make you feel good inside and out, and they’re way sweeter than any of the ex-high school lovers who are going to hit you up over break.
6. Green Bean Casserole > A Douche-y Booty Call
A douche-y booty call is a lot like green bean casserole. Nobody really wants to eat it because there are much tastier food options on the dinner table, just like there are much better boy options out there for you. Although you never really want to eat that green bean casserole, you find yourself eating it anyways because deep down you know that it’s the healthiest option you’ve got. Not that a douche-y booty call is healthy for you, but deep down you know that you want to have sex (and sex is healthy, right?) You answer the fuck boy’s booty call in times of desperate horniness, just like you end up putting a little scoop of green bean casserole on your plate in attempts to balance out the mounds of mashed potatoes.
7. Pecan Pie > Mixed Feelings
Why have mixed feelings when you can have mixed nuts? You may have mixed feelings about eating a second slice of pumpkin pie (are you going to have to workout extra tomorrow? Is it going to go straight to your thighs?), but at the end of the night when you’re licking the plate, you know that going back for seconds was the right move. Unfortunately, you’re unlikely to be quite as satisfied when acting on your mixed feelings for a dude. Instead of going home extra full in your tummy, you go home alone with a dead cell phone (from drunkenly calling him 30 times), a slice of pizza (to fill the space in your bed), and a daunting sense of shame.
Photo via Huffington Post