The 7 Best Things About Not Being Cuffed This Season
Unlike our annual calendar which consists of your four standard seasons, spring, summer, fall and winter, our relationship agenda is instead broken up in half; single summers and cuffing season. For some reason, we have this idealistic view on exactly when and why our relationships or flings should take place. Being single during the summer is practical, it makes sense. The pool parties, the minimal amount of clothing, there’s no way you can deal with the extra body heat in your bed when your air conditioning is already busted. Summers are for breathless flings in Turks and Caicos and getting wasted with your girlfriends in Cabo, and there’s absolutely no room for monogamy to be fucking up those plans.
Then winter creeps up right under our spray tanned noses, and sudden panic sets in. “Cuffing season,” as defined by Urban Dictionary, is a time when, “…people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.” You suddenly need a cuddle buddy, fuck buddy, or a combination of the two to keep your bed warm, your heart numb, and your thighs trembling.
However, believe it or not, there are a significant amount of benefits to being single or “uncuffed” during the holidays, in case you needed a self-esteem boost during the most wonderful time of the year.
1. You don’t have to worry about buying anyone anything. That guy you’ve been fucking but you’ve never met the sister he talks about all the time, and he has a million excuses as to why you two shouldn’t have a “title?” Yeah, if he doesn’t want a title, he clearly doesn’t want a Christmas present either. You’re a single woman, and you don’t give out holiday blow jobs for free.
2. You can skip town. You can either take that tropical vacation you’ve been saving for, or just enjoy a white Christmas out of the city with family. Either way, you don’t have to worry about scheduling something with your boo before you leave, or what the hell he’ll be doing while you’re thousands of miles away.
3. Ugly Christmas pajamas. As fun as slutty Santa lingerie can be, ugly Christmas pj’s and fuzzy socks from Target are just as satisfying, trust me. And no one’s going to see you in them anyways.
4. Mistletoe is free game. Let’s be real, the mistletoe at that Christmas Eve party you go to every year back home is extremely anticlimactic when you’re there with your boyfriend of six years. The anticipation of an unknown drunken prospect at the end of the night, possibly the sexy class president who was off-limits in high school due to said boyfriend, is enough to have you busting out that slip dress and santa hat faster than you can say Mrs. Clause.
5. You can eat all the cookies you want. There’s a reason it’s not called “bikini season” and you probably haven’t shaved since No-Shave-November anyways, so get down on those snowmen-shaped sugar cookies. You’re the only person you need to impress at the moment and personally, I’m impressed by my surprising food intake during the holidays.
6. You can focus on the things that have been on your to-do list all year. You probably have been telling yourself you were going to clean out your closet, or start reading books again or update your resume since March but we all know life gets in the way. After the end-of-the-year craze dies down, and there’s no dick to distract you (I know, there are both negatives and positives to that statement) you can finally get some shit done!
7. Wine is your friend. Need I explain?