6 Warning Signs of a Stage 5 Clinger

It’s most unattractive quality in the world– no it’s not a small penis or a propensity to cheat (okay, maybe the propensity to cheat is up there though) it’s clinginess. Another person’s neediness and lack of regard for personal space creating a subtle feeling of suffocation coupled with annoyance. And it can happen to anyone. Clingers don’t always reveal their full blown clingy selves until after you’ve already been on a few dates with them. It’s on the third date that their clinging oozes forth, perhaps as a result of a lethal combo of desperation and insecurity. Spotting clingers early on can help you avoid some awkward situations and get you the hell out of there before it’s too late. Here are 6 warning signs you’ve got a stage 5 clinger on your hand and you need to dip out–now!

1. They text you constantly.

Not all romantic prospects who are super chatty via text message are clingers. But all clingers are. One way to measure the amount of “cling” occurring between you and the person in question is by seeing how much time passes between each text they send you that goes unanswered by you. If things are clocking in at anything below 30 minutes, it’s time to abort this relationship.

2. They get angry or indignant when you don’t text them back.

Ignoring people can be rude, but we all have lives and jobs, and sometimes we’re just too busy to rehash the date we had last night with glowing enthusiasm. Most reasonable people understand this. Stage 5 clingers do not. They feel entitled to your time from the minute you wake up til the minute you fall asleep, and honestly probably after you’ve fallen asleep as well. They’re incessant text messages can’t go unanswered, and if they do you can bet that they do you’re in for a major FREAK OUT from a clinger. Think full blown melt down. It all seems a little excessive from someone you just started getting romantically involved with. And that’s because it is, and you need to shut it down immediately.

3. They show up at your house uninvited just to “surprise” you with gifts. 

This may have been something you’ve always dreamed about happening; the perfect potential significant other showing up on your doorstep with something cute and thoughtful. Until it happens with a stage 5 clinger and you can’t figure out why you feel so, well, freaked out that someone just showed up at your home at 8 pm. Sometimes clingers also happen to be controlling partners. They’ll use a thinly veiled gesture of affection as an excuse to check in on you. Nobody in the early stages of dating you should show up anywhere you are uninvited. Just no.

4. They talk about your “future together” and marriage when you aren’t even dating yet. 

In the mind of the stage 5 clinger, the two of you have already started dating, moved in together, and maybe have a couple of babies–despite the fact that you’ve gone to dinner once and you’re still getting to know each other.Chances are they aren’t madly infatuated with you, just the idea of having an actual partner. When a clinger starts talking about marriage and they don’t even know who you are as a person, it’s their desperation for any sort of human connection showing through, and it’s your warning sign that you might want to high tail it in the other direction and never speak to them again.

5. They send you “This reminded me of you” texts and snapchats every hour of the day. 

Really? The chicken sandwich you had for lunch reminded you of me? You’ll find yourself getting pictures of all sorts of things, all of them random and unimportant, all of them “reminding” your clinger of how cute you are, or how much you two have in common “We both eat chicken omg!!!”Your clinger is grasping to anything, literally, anything to build some sort of connection between the two of you. This may be a more harmless warning sign, but it’s a warning sign nonetheless.

6. At 2 am, you can be sure that a slew of unsolicited nudes will land in your text inbox. 

This is the X rated version of number 5. Your clinger doesn’t seem to understand that the last thing you want at 2 am before you go to sleep is few unimpressive dick pics followed by a slew of thirsty desperation. You don’t want to speak to them for the next 6 months in all likelihood let alone see their genitals. Time to block their number.

 

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