Want Your Breakup to Be Even More of a Nightmare? Do These 6 Things
If you haven’t been through a real messy breakup, count yourself blessed.
And when I say messy, I don’t mean the kind where you keep messing around for a few more months to your own emotional detriment. I’m talking the breakups that are so inconvenient, you almost wonder if you should’ve stayed and suffered.
When we enter a new relationship, we have the most dangerous optimism imaginable. We combine our assets, we make them a part of our families, and when it ends, we’re stuck constructing a getaway plan.
These are the things that will guarantee your breakup will be the worst logistical nightmare of your life. If you’ve been through a messy breakup (or six), maybe you’ll see your own mistakes in this list.
1. You left your stuff at his place.
When you break up, you have to take your stuff and go, otherwise the chances of you seeing it again may be slim.
While you’re dating, you can trust this person to keep your belongings safe because they’re loyal to you. They think the sun shines out of your butt.
When it’s mid-breakup, though, I’ve found that all bets are off. You never know if the way someone chooses to deal with the end of a relationship is through setting your clothes on fire, but you’ll find out if you don’t take it as soon as you both agree it’s over.
2. You got his name tattooed.
I thought there was a common understanding that getting your lover’s name tattooed is a bad idea (also: tacky). Unfortunately, in 2017, we still see people strutting into tattoo shops and asking to permanently etch another human being’s name on their person.
I have one friend whose aunt has an ex’s name tatted above her vag. Even Kylie and Tyga have tattoos for each other. And in a perfect world, these would just be profound romantic gestures, but in the real world you’re dancing with the possibility of having a permanent reminder you no longer want.
3. You guys live together.
Allow me to paint the following picture: me, crying with three fully packed suitcases, showing up on my parents’ doorstep after an unexpected breakup.
The worst part about living together when you break up is that now you have to figure out where you’re going to live. And you have to do that simultaneous to whatever crazy emotions you’re feeling about the relationship being over.
Who does the leaving? Were both of your names on the lease? Because great, now you’re figuring out how to get somebody else to fulfill that, whether that means finding a roommate or paying double what you expected.
4. You share a dog.
Literally, you might as well have a child together. When you signed up to share the cost of a whole animal, it felt like a cool exercise in parenthood, but now that you’re single again you will realize you have made a dire mistake.
Some people share custody as if it’s a real baby, which I will never understand because it means you have to meet up with your ex regularly. The alternative is that one of you gives up the pet completely but how do you decide? No way am I trying to be the one who loses both my boyfriend and my dog.
5. You share a cellphone plan.
I still share a cellphone plan with my ex-boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like a bad idea when you’re happily picking a plan that fits both your needs. It will, however, when you’re trying to explain to your cellphone provider that you need off this plan asap and no, you’re not the primary name on the account but why can’t they just trust you?
Imagine that every time you lose your phone, require an upgrade, or want to make changes to your plan, you will have to go through this person that you have no desire to ever communicate with again. It’s the worst.
6. You helped him with his app/book/website/business.
Loving someone means wanting to help them when they need you. I can’t even count how many women I know who helped their boyfriends get funding for their apps or edited their first novel. It never feels like work until you’re looking back on it, single, and realizing that you were a major part of their success and your only compensation was the phrase, “Thanks, babe.”