6 Reasons Why You’re Never Going To Find Love At The Club

While artists like Usher will have you believing otherwise, the only “love in the club” that you’re going to likely find on a Saturday night involves penetration rather than feelings. Not that you should be searching for a dude anyways, but in those desperate times when you secretly hope that you’ll actually have someone to bring home for Christmas this year, you probably are hoping to meet a guy. Where’s the last place you’re going to meet a guy? A club. You’re probably arguing with me in your head, saying, “No, Ashley, I’ve met plenty of hot guys at clubs.” I’m sure you have, but tell me how many of those guys you still keep in contact with? No, texts past 2 am don’t count.

1. You’re Hammered 

Let’s not pretend for two seconds that going to a club when you’re not on the verge of blackout drunk is any fun at all. If you’re at a club, you’re probably at least drunk enough to sing along all the world to the Calvin Harris song that they’re blasting, and more than likely ready to dance on the next table that clears up. Your judgment is obviously clouded, even if you do meet a “nice” guy at the club. You’ll soon realize that the reason he was so nice was because he looks like Chewbacca and you were too drunk to realize.

2. So Is He

As much as I’m sure you’re perfect, he might make some bad judgements about you in his drunkenness too. He might propose to you on the dance floor, but this probably has something to do with the fact that his best friend just got engaged and his dick will say anything to release it’s pent up frustration.

3. He’s Got One Thing On His Brain

I hate to sound like your mother, but at the end of the day there’s one thing that guys are really interested in. If not at the end of the day, then at the end of the night. Guys go out to clubs to find hot, scantily clad, drunk girls who will suck their dicks for bottle service. If a guy was trying to find his next girlfriend, he’d be at a singles meet-up, or at least at Whole Foods.

4. You’re Judging Each Other Solely on Looks

If you’ve ever had an intelligent conversation in a club, please let me know. Somehow, most converstaions I have seem to revolve around not listening to the guy recite his name, pretending to understand the garbage he’s saying about his finance job, and yelling three times to make sure he gets my drink order right. If I have any hope of having a meaningful conversation with a guy at the club, it’s probably going to be the bouncer when he tries to kick me out for being too drunk.

5. Dudes at Clubs Are Creeps

Even if somehow you’re at the club sober, looking great, and able to talk over the music, there’s one thing that you’re forgetting: most dudes at clubs are creeps. If you’re a dude and reading this getting your panties in a bunch, chill out, I said “most dudes,” not all. Regardless, many guys at clubs are seeing how much money they can spend on bottles before they get laid and/or trying to dance up on every chick wearing a mini skirt. While I’m sure there are plenty of nice guys hiding somewhere in the crevices of your local nightclub (maybe puking in the bathroom?), you can’t pretend you’ve never noticed that a lot of promoters, club regulars, and even bouncers are grade-A creeps.

6. You Have Nothing In Common 

Much like the men you meet in college, you quickly discover that the only bonding aspect between you and the guy who just bought you a drink is that you both like tequila and both vaguely know the words to Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood.” Even if you did have something in common, it’d be hard to find out over the loud ass music. While clubs can bring a wide variety of people together, it’s more often than not just people with nice clothes, money to blow, and alcohol to consume. Hell, at least if you meet a guy at Trader Joe’s you can talk about the fact that you both have three packs of cookie butter in your basket.

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