6 Reasons Why Shower Sex Is Far From Sexy

Maybe I had a weird childhood, but in that middle school phase when you started sending wink face text messages and kissing boys, shower sex seemed like the coolest thing. I swear I bought a shirt from Forever 21 that said “Save Water, Shower Together.” Yet, when I finally had shower sex, it was a lot like hooking up with a hot guy who ended up having a tiny penis – it was not what I had hoped it would be.

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1. You Will Not Stay Wet

Contrary to popular belief, water does not make your pussy more wet. In fact, it actually dries you up! No matter how turned on you’re getting in the shower, that water is going to make you dry up faster than a raisin in the sun. If you like getting f***ed without lubrication, have fun!

2. You’ll Also Probably Fall

Typically sex ends with some cuddling, an awkward kiss goodbye, or a cigarette, not a trip to the E.R. Unless you fancy heading to the hospital in a towel with a lovely story to tell, you should probably not risk your safety for mediocre sex.

3. Don’t Even Try To Wear Makeup

If you’re still not at the stage where you’re comfortable going bare faced in front of your boo, the shower is probably not the place for you. Instead of having a post-sex glow, you’re going to look like you just had an emotional breakdown, complete with mascara streaked down your face.

4. You’re Essentially Limited To One Position 

Okay sure, Cosmo shows you all these innovative positions to try in the shower, complete with clit-tickling retractable shower heads. Let’s not kid ourselves. We are probably not planning sex and this shit isn’t going to happen. Not to mention that most dude’s I know don’t have a clean enough shower for me to feel comfortable sitting naked on the ground in. It certainly isn’t bad getting it from behind, but a girl likes to have options.

5. You Freeze You Ass Off After

Maybe I’m making generalizations, but let’s also not pretend that most guys you are banging have more than one towel. Have fun getting out of the shower together and awkwardly drying yourself off quickly while he awkwardly air-dries in the corner.

6. Blowjobs Become Unnecessarily Painful

“Get on your knees” is a lot sexier when you’re on a carpet, not a hard linoleum floor that may or may not be ridged. If you don’t want to get on your knees, you can squat (really sexy, I know), and then you’re probably going to wonder why your ankles are sore the following day. Moreover, there’s no way in hell you’re getting oral in the shower, don’t even try.

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