6 Reasons Why Shower Hook Ups Are Far From Sexy
Maybe I had a weird childhood, but in that middle school phase when you started sending wink face text messages and kissing boys, shower hook ups seemed like the coolest thing. I swear I bought a shirt from Forever 21 that said “Save Water, Shower Together.” Yet, when I finally did it in the shower, it was a lot like hooking up with a hot guy who ended up having a tiny D – it was not what I had hoped it would be.
1. You Will Not Stay Wet
Contrary to popular belief, water does not make your V more wet. In fact, it actually dries you up! No matter how turned on you’re getting in the shower, that water is going to make you dry up faster than a raisin in the sun. If you like doing it without lubrication, have fun!
2. You’ll Also Probably Fall
Typically hooking up ends with some cuddling, an awkward kiss goodbye, or a cigarette, not a trip to the E.R. Unless you fancy heading to the hospital in a towel with a lovely story to tell, you should probably not risk your safety for the mediocre.
3. Don’t Even Try To Wear Makeup
If you’re still not at the stage where you’re comfortable going bare faced in front of your boo, the shower is probably not the place for you. Instead of having a post-hook up glow, you’re going to look like you just had an emotional breakdown, complete with mascara streaked down your face.
4. You’re Essentially Limited To One Position
Okay sure, Cosmo shows you all these innovative positions to try in the shower, complete with retractable shower heads. Let’s not kid ourselves. We are probably not planning it and this isn’t going to happen. Not to mention that most dude’s I know don’t have a clean enough shower for me to feel comfortable sitting naked on the ground in. It certainly isn’t bad getting it from behind, but a girl likes to have options.
5. You Freeze After
Maybe I’m making generalizations, but let’s also not pretend that most guys you are hooking up with have more than one towel. Have fun getting out of the shower together and awkwardly drying yourself off quickly while he awkwardly air-dries in the corner.
6. Oral Becomes Unnecessarily Painful
“Get on your knees” is a lot sexier when you’re on a carpet, not a hard linoleum floor that may or may not be ridged. If you don’t want to get on your knees, you can squat (really hot, I know), and then you’re probably going to wonder why your ankles are sore the following day. Moreover, there’s no way in hell you’re getting oral in the shower, don’t even try.