5 Tips To Escape Your Date From Hell
First dates are scarier than my face after a night of drinking when I forgot to take off my make-up. It’s like going into an interview, but instead of being judged only on work experience, you’re being judged for who you are in general. If that’s not terrifying then I don’t know what is.
Actually, I do. A really f***ing awful first date. The kind where you try to think of every escape route possible, but draw up blank. Don’t worry though, after reading some of my modern tips on classic excuses, you’ll no longer have that problem.
1. Bathroom Ditch
This seems like it’s almost too easy, but it works every time. For example, the guy who brought me to the opening of an exhibit at Milk Studios. I met him outside and he seemed like a great guy. Really tall, attractive, dressed well, but one problem. This guy had the biggest ego I’ve ever been near. Actually, that’s a lie, some of my friends fall into this category after a few drinks. But at least they’re funny about it. He was sober.
Well we went inside and it got to a point where I couldn’t stand to hear him anymore. He reminded me of the stand up comedians you see getting booed off stage because they’re jokes aren’t even funny, just super offensive and immature. Zero depth or personality. So that’s when I say I have to use the ladies room. But I start to tense up when he says he’ll come with because he has to go, too.
The doors for the men and women were right next to each other, but there was a light at the end of my tunnel because they were swinging doors. We opened ours at the same time and as his started to close back, I ran up the stairs, chugged a glass of champagne and sprinted out the door.
He ended up texting me shortly after saying he couldn’t find me and ended up leaving.
I blocked his number.
2. Back Up
Everyone knows the old tale of texting a friend to call you and pretend there’s an emergency, but who the hell honestly falls for that anymore? Instead of doing that, you should text your friend to meet you and pretend to randomly run into each other. “Holy crap Danielle! What are you doing here?! Russell, this is my best friend Danielle! Soo random, it’s crazy. Want to join us?” And then you can talk to your best friend as much as you want until you kill the guy with boredom and he’s forced to bounce.
Or have your friend bring eye drops and pretend to run into her when she’s dealing with a “break-up”. Then you can play the best friend card and call it an early night so you can take care of your bestie. You won’t look like an ass, actually you’ll look like a really f***ing good friend.
3. Asking For The Bill
Okay, so anyone who has a f***ing soul is not going to ask for this mid-sentence or conversation. You have to wait until the only person uses the bathroom, steps outside for a call, bends over to tie their shoes, and then you signal for your waiter and do the biggest air scribble in the short time gap you have. I usually throw in some deer in headlight eyes for emphasis.
4. Faking Ill
Before going on a first date, carry a little case of powder. But there’s a catch. Buy the one that is about 2 or 3 times lighter than your regular complexion. That way, if your date is awful, you can escape to the bathroom and put that shit all over your face. I guarantee when you come back out and say you feel sick, his only response will be, “Wow, yeah, you look super washed out and pale. Let’s get you home.” It’s times like these when you will thank me.
5. You Have To Work
If you go on this horrendous date during the week then you are in luck. You can easily play up the, “Oh man, I would totally do another drink, but I have to be up at 7 a.m. tomorrow.” And if this date takes place on a weekend? You now have an early company marathon to attend to. Throw in a white lie that it’s for charity too so you’ll be in deep shit if you skip out on your boss. Or make up a fake airline flight for the morning and that you haven’t even started to pack.
So the next time you’re looking for an escape from your nightmare of a date, I hope you remember these tips. Happy dating.