5 Awkward and Inevitable Family Moments You’ll Have To Face This Holiday Season

One negative that Thanksgiving (and all holidays) have to them are the inevitably awkward familial moments. Relatives just can’t help but denounce the choices made by the younger generations of the family. This can lead to some awkward and ignorant remarks on their part. In order to help you survive the holidays with your dignity in tact (and the arms of your family members in tact) we have compiled some of the most common remarks made by family members and how to deflect them with grace and wit. Good luck kittens, keep those claws sheathed.

1. The body comment: Whether you have gained weight/ lost weight or seem to be eating enough at the Thanksgiving table in order to gain weight in the future, there is always at least one relative who feels it is their business to let you know about it. When a relative comments on my weight (“You look so skinny! How is the eating disorder going??”), I will admit that it has been my habit to lash out (“How is the binge eating going Aunt Cameron???”). But this is not the right thing to do as it will inevitably lead to hurt feelings and potatoes coating the walls. The correct response is to take yet another scoop of squash and say “Darling relative, I feel that I have gained nothing but confidence this year at school, the food is divine and I have congratulated myself on my success with a brand new pair of J Brands, would you like to see them? Or better yet, let me read you my ten page paper on the Native American Genocide.”
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2. The grade evaluation: Of course coming home from school there will be some question of how your grades are going. The problem is when a relative gets unnecessarily nosy and judgemental with how your academics are going. “Why not straight A’s?” they will say. Well, instead of throwing your plate across the room and running into your bathroom to cry over your GPA, deflect it like so. Simply smile and say, “Oh mother and father, I have spent countless nights studying and cramming but on top of a full time job which is going into paying off countless college loans, an internship which is insuring me future employment and the all of the holiday shopping I have been doing for the family this year, I regret that my grades have slipped a bit. However worry not! I intend to spend ample time studying for finals to bring them back up instead of working those extra two days. On that note, do you think that you could help me pay for my rent these next couple of months to make up for it?”
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3. The dating game: Family always has to comment on who you are currently seeing at the moment. It’s as if they think that you boyfriend/girlfriend of the moment is your future spouse. When the inappropriate question is delivered ( “Do they have a job? Why the piercings? Have you had intercourse?”) do not blush! That will only show weakness. I recommend going for the shock factor. “He is an artist and doesn’t care about money! What is money compared to love? Tell me family, will you be at the wedding this summer? The rabbi has already been booked!”
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4. Outfit outrage: When it comes to relatives, you can never be covered up enough. I myself am fashion obsessed enough that I simply cannot bring myself to dress to their sartorial ignorance. So when they look at your fishnet tights or sheer mini with disgust simply give them the once over and announce, “You know Auntie, I hear that sweatpants are making a comeback this year, good job with those Ugg boots it is so great that you have the confidence not to care about what is considered attractive these days!”
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5. Tattoos/piercings/hair dye: I am sure that you all have at least one of these things. And I am sure that your family probably disapproves. They will call you a tramp, a goth, even passive aggressively comment that you looked better before. Stand by your values. Defend your tattoo, explain why it is meaningful to you. Wear your piercings with pride, wear your prettiest gages, your diamond belly ring. Blow out your bright pink hair and wear a matching mini dress. This is your body and they have no place to judge it. And if they do? Grab another slice of pumpkin pie, and tune them out to the sound of your own satisfied munching. It is Thanksgiving after all.
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