Why 2017 Is the Year I’m Leaving F*ckboys Behind
Approaching 2017, I asked myself what is one thing that I would want to change. My answer is the way I’ve been treated by men.
We live in an era when, even if we’ve found someone for the minute, we’re still looking for the next person to swipe right on. Being single has its perks, which I love, but deep down, I mainly push away from men and monogamy because when I don’t, I end up getting hurt.
I have become the girl who, when I hang out with a guy, I act like I don’t care about anything. I started to train myself that I didn’t care, detaching my emotions from sex, situations, and guys in general. This is a skill that has overall fucked up my ideas about what is right and wrong with dating.
I have some pretty hefty qualifications for what I call my type, and the guys I catch feelings for. So it’s not like I’m falling in love with just everyone. Cute, funny, and successful are just some of the top traits. But dear lord, a good smile can seduce me.
In the last year, two guys became the objects of my affection, both on different sides of the United States (proving that they are not better on either coast), and most importantly both fooled me.
I told my sister, mom, and best friends about them. Both guys introduced me to all of their friends, bought me dinners, and I spent long weekends at their places. But yet when I left those long weekends I wouldn’t know if they would talk to me for a month or not. Separately I remember laying in their beds drunk, thinking there was nowhere else I would want to be.
The words “I don’t want to lead you on” rolled off both of their tongues and around my head the moment things started getting more serious. These were men who would uber me to their place the moment I got into town. They would buy me shots of tequila and we would make out in the bar. Even take me to the airport when it was time for me to leave. I was not completely making up these relationships, nor was it wrong for me to get feelings. What crushed me the most was that I was apparently never the girl they saw themselves dating. Naturally I questioned what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m not pretty enough for them? Am I annoying? Is it that I am not good enough in bed?
Every girl knows what a fuckboy is and has experienced situations similar to mine. These guys gave us hope, and made us think we had chance, which was enough to get us hooked. Guy after guy, cycle after cycle I still ponder on these thoughts. Is it me? It took me almost a year to realize that it’s not.
It’s all the access to dating, the girls on Instagram, and everyone’s fear about settling. God only knows that I know I have that fear as well. I mainly blame the technology for our dating insecurities. And it doesn’t help if we validate guys who treat us like this.
My friend’s mom was recently telling me about what dating used to be like. Guys got your house-number at the bar, and they either called or didn’t. If you didn’t remember when a guy looked like, you couldn’t get on Instagram or Facebook to stalk him. You would meet up, or if he lived far from you, become pen pals. He would have to send you picture of himself in the mail to spark your memory. You trusted your instincts and your feelings in such a different way. Men used to have to work for for a woman’s affection, which took actual time and effort. Not just a snapchat asking at 11 p.m. asking to see you naked. That is a thought I can’t wrap my head around. Effort.
I started telling myself that if a guy wants to talk to me, he will, don’t reach out. Don’t text him first, and don’t you dare drunk text him. That’s what kept getting me in trouble, drunk texting. In 2017 I want these men to call me if they want to talk to me or hang out, and preferably before the sun is down. Texting all the time instead of phone calls play into the issues about current day dating. I want to start saying “no” to the guys I know are not good for me. Most importantly I want guys to work for me, like I have worked to get them. Which means not rushing anything, saying no to dates, maybe no to a first kiss, for sure no to sex on the first date. Mainly to prove that these guys actually want me, before I fool myself into thinking I’m the girl they’re interested in once again.
This decision doesn’t mean I’m going to delete my Bumble. The thought of that scares me. Or mean that if he’s cute and slides into my DM’s I’m not going to respond. It means letting go of the toxic guys I have already let hurt me. The ones who made promises and didn’t follow through. The guys who text you only after 10, and only sexualize you. Letting them go. Delete them on social media, maybe even block their numbers. They do not deserve our attention, nor should we acknowledge fuckboys’ bad dating habits. 2017 is about remembering your worth outside of this chaos we now call dating, and lettings the guys that want to be there show it.