19 Lies Every Chick Has Told Her Boyfriend


1. I’ve always had a little crush on you.

No, you went out with him because he offered to buy you Chipotle and you needed to get back at your ex, it was sheer coincidence you actually ended up liking him.

2. I didn’t fart…

Girls don’t poop or fart…duh! Must have been a ghost!

3. Oh, that guy? I don’t really know him well…

I mean, we did hook-up all of sophomore year (and that’s probably why he keeps winking at me…), but of course you don’t need to know that…

4. I’ve never done this before…

I mean, I’ve never done this before this year…but same thing, right?

5. Of course I knew it was our anniversary!

Aren’t boys the ones that are supposed to forget? Even if we did forget, we’ll act like we were waiting for you to bring it up first.

6. I just came so hard.

I mean, I almost came. But I feel bad seeing how hard you’re trying, I’ll let it go this time.

7. Your dick is huge.

At least it’s bigger than my exes, and my high school boyfriend. But I mean…you’ve seen porn stars, right?

8. Last night was not even that fun!

Girls night was totally blah without you, no table-dancing or body-shots took place, obviously.

9. I would never do something like that…how trashy!

I would never do something like that now, because we’re together. But freshman year of college? Crossed that shit off the bucket list.

10. Football? I love football!

I love staring at the player’s butts in football, and watching Katy Perry halftime shows.

11. Your best friend is so funny! I’ll totally hook him up with my friend Jen.

What’s really funny about him is his face…and that he is a cocky little sh*t.

12. I am so horny for you right now…wish you were here.

I’m actually binge-watching Orange Is The New Black on Netflix in my snuggie, your dick is the last thing on my mind as I’m watching two chicks make-out.

13. I don’t know why he always texts me?

Okay, so I text him back for attention when you’re ignoring me…maybe you should pay more attention and this wouldn’t happen!

14. I hand-made these for your birthday!

What I mean is that I tried to make cookies…but my fire alarm went off and they burnt to a crisp…so I hope Whole Foods makes good chocolate chip cookies!

15. Wow babe, you’ve really been hitting the gym! Watch out Arnold!

Okay, I mean I think your beer belly has diminished since you actually left the couch this week? I’ll just silently pray that the P90x tapes I left at your house finally get used.

16. We can definitely have anal this week.

We are never having anal…unless maybe your dick shrinks?

17. I heard she’s a huge bitch…and doesn’t even look good without makeup

I don’t even know the girl, I just want her as far away from you as possible lest she try to dig her claws into you and steal you from me!

18. Ew, I hate this song!

I actually love this song, but it is directly correlated to memories of me and my ex banging in the back of his pick-up truck.

19. I will always love you 

Right now you feel that way, sure. But fast forward a couple months and you’re going to be blasting Taylor Swift and tearing up his pictures…and maybe trying to f*ck his best friend?

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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