16 Things Not To Say At Thanksgiving Dinner

1. “No Grandma, I’m not seeing anyone, but I have been fucking the bagger at Whole Foods for the past six months.”

2. “What’s the Wi-Fi password? I need to see if Tinder is better here than it is in the city.”

3. “Sorry Aunt Julia, I seriously can’t eat another piece of Pumpkin Pie, I don’t want to end up fat and single like you!”

4. “I don’t need another glass of wine, can I just grab a bottle?”

5. “Dude, the girlfriend you brought home from college looks like a failed Instagram model who’s going to move into porn

6. “Thank god we smoked a blunt before this.”

7. “Can you guys stop pretending you like each other? I heard you cheated on Uncle Bob with the pool boy this summer.”

8. “I just received a dick pic via Snapchat. Excuse me while I go take a nude in the bathroom.”

9. “Can you give me more money for Christmas this year? I don’t want to resort to stripping.”

10. “You’re impressed with how fast I’m downing these glasses of wine? You should see me slap the bag.”

11. “If you ask me what I’m doing when I graduate one more time, I’m going to turn it into a drinking game.”

12. “Can you play that Hailee Steinfeld song about masturbating next?”

13. “Can someone tell little cousin Timmy to stop streaming porn on his Ipad? I can see it all the way from this side of the table.”

14. “If you tell me how perfect your daughter is one more time, I’m showing you her skanky Instagram.”

15. “This is the same dress I wore to a “Classy vs. Trashy” themed party last weekend. Thankfully on my walk of shame the following morning I still looked put together.”

16. “How do I respond to this booty call text from my old high school boyfriend?”

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