12 Things I Learned From My Gay Best Friend
If there’s one thing that annoys gay guys, it’s the fact that girls treat them like accessories. You get your Gucci bag, your chihuahua, and your gay BFF, and you’re all set! What girls don’t realize is that not all gay guys are dick-loving, Prada wearing, club-going fanatics (just some of them). Being gay doesn’t always mean you like fashion, just like being straight doesn’t mean you like football.
Lucky for me, I ended up with a gay best friend (and roommate) that surpassed every gay-BFF-wanting girls dreams. Here’s what he taught me:
1. Invest in Skin Care, Buy The Rest at CVS
After rooting through my drugstore make-up bag that consisted of mascara, eyeliner, and BB cream; he was horrified. My love for CVS and coupons did not impress Todd. After I followed him around Sephora like a lost child with her mother at the grocery store, Todd realized that I should stick to what I know. The only advice he had was that if I’m going to buy one thing from Sephora, it should be skin care. When it comes to eyeliner, mascara, etc. you can get almost the same thing at a drugstore for a fraction of the price.
2. Booty Calling Is An Art Form
Straight people still don’t have an app that compares to Grindr. Sure, Tinder is similar, but it doesn’t have nearly the accuracy, GPS location, or return rate that Grindr does. Wouldn’t you like it if you could hop on your phone at a club and have a list of all the dudes who were interested within 20 feet of you? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, while the gays are having quickies in the bar bathroom, me and my straight friends are stuck to linger by the bar until some loser buys us a drink.
3. You Can Never Be Over-Dressed
Out of all the times I hobbled downstairs wondering if my outfit was “too much” (or too slutty), Todd never said yes. Sure, there were plenty of times I was way too over-dressed for a Wednesday night at the bar…but damn, we looked good and got lots of free drinks together.
4. Gay Clubs Will Always Play Better Music Than Straight Clubs
Gay clubs/bars play every single song that you listen to while you’re dancing around the room in your underwear getting ready for the night out (where you’ll have to bob around to trendy hipster music that you pretend to like). You could literally go to a gay bar and be sober and still have an amazing time because you’re f*cking listening to 90’s Britney Spears, what could go wrong?
5. It’s Okay To Masturbate…A lot
I think one of the best things about living with a dude was that there was no judgement when either of us had to shut our door for some “alone time.” There was even less judgement when my vibrator went off in the middle of the night and scared the sh*t out of me.
6. Scream Louder During Sex
Another fun thing about living with a guy is that they get happy when you’re getting laid. Instead of being a grumpy roommate complaining about how loud you were last night, breakfast is usually followed by a giggle and a “So…I guess you really like that Tom guy…or you like his dick.”
7. Act Like You Own The Place
Fake it ’till you make it, or die trying. Dress your best, and waltz to the front of the club line and ask if the bouncer knows who you are. Sure, you might end up looking like an idiot when they realize you’re a broke college kid, but most of the time it actually works.
8. Always Have a Toilet Plunger On Hand
You know when you decide to not buy something until you need it? Yeah, that doesn’t work so well with toilet plungers. Me and Todd realized this on a Friday night after our toilet decided to stop working and we had to go the whole weekend without a functioning bathroom in our apartment. Needless to say, when the plumber (who happened to be sexy) came on Monday morning, he was not forgotten.
9. It’s Not So Hard To Turn a Straight Boy Out
Sure, straight dudes are all “no homo” with their fragile masculinity…but get them alone with a pretty gay boy and you’d be surprised what comes out of their mouths. From drunkenly saying “If I was into guys, I’d do you” to ending up in our apartment at night, straight guys are more experimental than they admit.
10. It’s OKAY To Be Weird As Hell
From running down the street making sex noises to making up our own slang, there were many times when the two of us have certainly been glared at by confused onlookers. The more time I spent with Todd, the easier it was for me to make a fool of myself. After all, who really cares what anyone else thinks? Who are you really trying to impress? Being on the ground laughing at each other was much more fun than pretending to be cool anyways.
11. Not Everything Trendy Is For You
If everyone else is doing something, it’s got to be fun, right? Wrong. Just because the masses seem to be doing something or buying something, doesn’t mean you have to. Blindly buying into trends and mimicking your favorite celebrities might seem cool, but what’s even cooler is finding your own style and running with it.
12. Use Your Assets To Your Advantage
I’m not saying to suck dick for an iPhone 6, but a little flirting goes a long way. If you’re a cutie and you know it, don’t hesitate to get yourself some free drinks or make some extra sales to the creepy customer at your work. There’s a reason that looking good is a part of a job requirement, because sometimes being good looking helps pay the bills.