Valentine’s Day DOs & DON’Ts

Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in ViceThe Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld

So for anyone who gives a shit, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Boys, make sure you don’t mess this up, and girls make sure you play it cool. This holiday is ridiculous and I can safely say that I have never done it the conventional “chocolates and roses” way. I usually end up spending it with ex-boyfriends at Taco Bell, at lingerie parties, or blacked out on my couch debating whether Tom Hanks is a grape or not. Yeah, that happened. Anyway, even though I am no expert, I am here to give you all some tips on what you should and shouldn’t do if you’re ultimately trying to get some on this useless day.

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DO:

1. Eat Something Delicious. Whether you’re single or taken, good food on this godforsaken day is vital. It doesn’t have to be at the most romantic spot in town. Please don’t bore the world by going somewhere typical JUST because it’s Valentine’s Day and you want to reenact the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp. Cook something good or go to a place you haven’t tried before. And if your boyfriend takes you to somewhere with less than 5 Micheline stars try not to stab him. But if you’re vegan and he stupidly takes you to a steakhouse then stab away.

2. Stay Calm. Girls, I’m mostly talking to you. No matter how much we all say that we don’t care about Valentine’s Day, we somehow almost always find a way to get pissed off on this day. If your boyfriend breathes the wrong way, don’t get pissed. If the guy you’re casually hooking up with doesn’t want to see you on this day, don’t be surprised but also don’t get pissed. If your taken friend can’t make it to Galentine’s Cosmo ChickFlick night, don’t get pissed. Seriously, just remember that it’s any other day and the worst thing you could do is let other people dictate how your day goes. Also Mercury is still in retrograde so do extra mediation to keep it together.

3. Text/Call the People You Love. If we’re going to be cheesy today, then be cheesy with all of the people you love. If you haven’t spoken to your mother in four months, now would be a good time to call her. Romance fizzles out sometimes, but your friends and family are people that always have your back, so don’t turn your back on them. Serious.

4. Get Turned On. You don’t have to be in love or have someone special at that moment to get turned on. Get yourself a really fancy vibrator. Or maybe take the time to find your G-spot today. If you have a boy in your life then please just get some. Don’t be one of those couples that end up fighting on Valentine’s Day and ruining the entire point of this holiday.

5. Share the Love. One of the few things I actually like about this day is that it promotes love. Don’t waste the day rotting in your PJs, go outside and make people smile. This doesn’t have to be a day dedicated to romance and cheesy bullshit, try making it more about loving where you’re at in life and loving the people around you. Give a rando a hug today, compliment someone’s outfit, buy a homeless person a bagel. I don’t know I’m done giving advice, just don’t be an ass.

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DON’T:

1. Instagram Your Gifts. No one gives a shit about the stupid oversized teddy bear your boyfriend got you. This isn’t junior high, no one is placing you higher on the social ladder because your boyfriend thinks you are an infant. In fact, by doing this you are actually committing social suicide. This also goes for chocolates, stupid cards, and roses. We get it, if he loves you he’ll buy you some or all of these things, and if he doesn’t then you’re probably ugly or something. Share your gifts on social media and everyone will hate you. You have been warned.

2. Dump Someone. This is something that actually happens you guys. If you have ever done this, seriously, what is wrong with you? Have a heart, ESPECIALLY on the day where hearts are all over the goddamn place. If you are even thinking about breaking up with someone why would you purposely do it on Valentine’s Day? Are you Hitler? Are you Satan? Please stop and read this one carefully because if this is you, go to your boy or girl’s house right now, knock on that door and say “Hey! I’m breaking up with you!” Do it or karma will find you and shit all over your life.

3. Complain About Being Single. Seriously people, shut up. It’s not a bad thing unless you make it a bad thing. You didn’t come out of the womb wrapped in the arms of your significant other. Please remember that you entered this world solo and will probably leave it solo unless you have some sort of suicide pact with your man. Whoa this just got dark. But seriously, enough is enough. If you’re single, do something fun with your single friends. You do have friends don’t you?

4. Start A Fight. Look. We all know that the end goal of Valentine’s Day is to get some. So why are you bringing up that thing from like six months ago? Don’t talk about that time you thought you were being cheated on on VALENTINE’S DAY. Why would you sabotage yourself like this? Has anyone ever heard about resolving issues on the spot and not waiting till the holiday that celebrates the power of love? Who fights over a candle-lit dinner? I’ll tell you who: people who NEVER WANT TO GET LAID AGAIN.

5. Don’t Become The Third Wheel. Ok. This is the most taboo of taboos. If your friends who happen to be dating invite you to chill with them on Valentine’s Day, DO NOT DO IT. Don’t even muse the idea of doing it. There is nothing more hellish then ending up splitting a bottle of wine with two people who love each other. Clearly they just feel sorry for you. Even if they’re going to a party or a rave or something where you could potentially detach yourself from them and drown your sorrows in a corner somewhere, just don’t. Unless you’re trying to have a threesome. In that case my friend, GET IT.

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